Thursday, February 21, 2008

Confused!!

Reactions: 
Warning:: This is a slightly heavy post(see how confused I am. I can't even make out if this is a heavy post or not!). So, readers beware, and get a cup of coffee before you even start.

Let me tell you the reasons for my confusion.
Basically every person has some balance in life, in their physical life, mental life, emotional life, spiritual life and all other lives that you want to categorize normal life into. I too had the same normal "balanced" life at the beginning of last before week. Little did I know that I would be changed forever in these three weeks(come to think of it, all of us change irrevocibly all the time, but these three weeks made me realize them more so). Last monday, my mental life did a take off because I fed it information... no, its knowledge that I fed it(a rare thing.. because, a human usually feeds in information and by continual thinking, it becomes knowledge). Knowledge, by itself, is very potent and taken without careful consideration, is dangerous to handle. There has been only a few other times when I've fed knowledge directly to my brain and in lesser quantities. But last before monday, I fed it a large dose and it was reeling with that effect for a few days. So much for the mental balance being affected!

Then came my emotional balance. I am, usually, a stable person(amen!). I try to analyze things a bit before flying off the handle. But there were quite a few incidents that made me fume and my roommate bore the brunt of it(thanks P! for being there :)). She toned it down and was my sounding board for a few days(a thankless job! but these cases are rare and I don't let someone do it for me unless 1)they are clear about things 2) I know that they can handle and process complex scenarios and emotions 3) I find a certain sense of bonding with them). Also there were a few cases where I was ecstatic and happy. To confound the issue, all this happened in the past two weeks.

Onto my spiritual balance. I had some soul searching talks with a kindred spirit and got a totally new perspective about life. I also read a few books that changed my way of thinking about life in general and my future, in particular. The main gain from it all was that I could easily remove the wheat from the chaff, the good from the useless and the needed info against the trash. But my spiritual contour took a brow beating and now its in a completely different shape.

Finally my physical balance. I had two weeks of assignments and projects and work that I had to do everyday lacking sleep. Thanks to all my friends(esp, SG! I've lost count of the times I've pinged you with my doubts! The explanation about threads, processes and processors was amazing!!), I somehow managed to move away from it all. But my body didn't take kindly to it at all. I was in a daze through these two weeks and this weekend helped me start my recovery journey.

Now, onto this weekend. I had an amazing time after a really long time. Though it didn't go as I had planned earlier, it was fun all the same. I had really good time, felt very independent and got time and money to spend with my friends without feeling guilty. And I got to drive a really stylish car!! The Pontiac G6 GT Coupe!! I just loved it! This weekend was my gift to myself for going through one of the most difficult times of this semester. I've heard one of my married friends say that the best vacations are the ones taken where your mind can completely relax and you can have most fun, not the ones where you need a vacation to recoup from the after effects of this one. I had such a break this weekend. All my balances seem to have been restored after this break :) More on that in the next post!

However, there are a few questions that I have after these three weeks:
1) Why are people not clear as to what they want? I understand that not knowing one's needs is possible, but not knowing one's wants stumps me.
2) N,D,P were there and I was so confused because of them. Though I thank life and God for giving me the choice, I was scared to take the decision because I know that the decision that I take now would affect my life in a much bigger way compared to all other decisions that I have taken so far. Why was I scared when I knew I had the knowledge and intelligence to use that knowledge wisely? Was it because of uncertain future? Or is it because I'm still not a fully grown up person? I've seen people take life changing decisions effortlessly, but I've never been able to do so. This is one thing that I have to work on.
3) Does my indecision stem from the fact that I have not been worldly wise, didn't have a mentor(all my mentors that were there so far have diverged and I'm left standing on a lonely path that I have to cut with my sickle, I can't see a mentor for miles around me and that is scary! or am I of the stage where mentors are no more possible? Now that is another question!), was too playful and forgot to consider all the choices seriously as a grown up person should?
4) Does not my education and the qualities that I developed so far count to anything or is it this that finally pushed me to make a decision?
5) The world seems to have lots of people with contrasting behaviors. I know I have to answer some of the serious issues of life soon. But till then, I have time to mold myself to be better equipped to face the questions. Where do I start and what do I do?
6) How come jealousy cuts through all, even love, friendship and life?
7) Why is unrequited desire so dangerous? yet people covet it? Can't they see that they can't handle it and would do a bad job of it, hurting everyone, especially themselves? Is the desire for power, position and money that strong?

I know, all these questions are difficult to answer. But I'd love to know the opinions of you all, my dear readers! Because, sometimes, a single word or a single comment can throw light on a totally different perspective, the perspective that I'm searching for and have truly missed so far!

PS: This post might sound like an account of my life in the past few weeks for some of you. If that is so, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it more. But if you found the connection behind them all and the questions that I have raised, then welcome! You have lots to say on this post then! I'm certainly looking forward to your comments. And regarding the information that I have said in the post, if you already know of it, that's good... you can make a better analysis of the post! But if you don't, then please don't ask as it is on a strictly need-to-know basis and if I have not told you already, then you don't need to know of it. And I hope this explains my disappearance from the blogosphere for the past three weeks, V! :)

2 comments:

Arun said...

1)oh,come-on nobody knows what they need. needs are very short term thing esp in relationships with ppl.
2)i dont know abt the situation, but def its nothing to do with grown up. i mean 10 yrs later u wud be making only different mistakes, not no mistakes.
6)jealosuy? its a bad cousin of desire which is what we live for.
7)"Is the desire for power, position and money that strong?" u kidding me, ofcourse. question is wat u r comparing against :)

alpine path said...

Arun, thinking of it all, your comment makes lot of sense. And I'm glad that my indecision has nothing to do with growing up :) Guess we'll have to learn to live with desire and jealousy in the same plate, scary though it may seem.