Wow! What a response to my last post! So many of my classmates and friends who read that post gave me their feedback( though the online comment history depicts a different picture :) We’ll come to it later.) Most of my friends(let us denote them to be B) said that they would choose option b wherein they would become careful in their dealings with the other person who is selfish (let us keep that person to be A). However, they said that they wouldn’t let A know this unless necessary and then too, it would be done in a very careful manner so as not to hurt A unnecessarily. In fact, one of my friends said that he would never, ever share his deepest secrets, thoughts and feelings with that person anymore because a selfish person is only interested in himself/herself and would not hesitate to give out his secrets to attain their selfish goals. That’s true, isn’t it? When a person is very selfish, he/she would not care about others and would only look at the damage their actions have done after their selfish motives have been attained. Even then, they would not be able to see that they were the root cause for all the problems and would keep wondering as to why others are making such a hulla-bulla over trivial matters. If at all they get a chance to know that their actions caused such a grave mistake, then it could be done only at the cost of others’ lives. One thing with this option is that as we start being careful in our dealings with A, our relationships take a nose dive because a healthy relationship can be built only on solid trust. When the trust is out of question from one party, even if both A and B like and complement each other, the relationship cannot grow however hard they try. In the end, it would finally become a punishment for both of them to keep the relation going. Either the entire relation breaks off(difficult at first but easier later) or dilutes down to a casual friendship (easier at first but painful later).
Another of my friends said that she would try to find the root cause of her friend’s selfish behavior and try to alleviate it to solve the problem. A commendable solution but it would be difficult to change anyone unless they themselves want to change and are ready to observe and correct themselves every time they commit a mistake. She also gave me an interesting insight. She said that most girls (and some guys) tend to become selfish once they are committed to a partner for life. This is especially true in cases of arranged marriages solemnized in a short time (the girl would want to keep talking and spending more time with her would-be partner) or in early days of love (the girl would want to spend each minute of her waking time with her lover).(Sorry, guys! This was entirely her opinion and I have used ‘she’ and ‘her’ to capture the essence of what she said. In my personal view, I think both sexes are equal in this. I’ve seen so many of my friends (guys) who just keep wanting to be with their girl friends in the starting phases of their love lives and just keep avoiding their girl friends in the ending stages J An easy way to find if your relationship rocks or is in the rocks ;) ) But, I wouldn’t categorize this to be selfish behavior. I would put it down to wanting to build a relationship with a significant other and making time for them in his/her lives. In the process, friends also get lesser time.
One of my juniors said that she will throw tantrums and make sure that A actually understood what a loser he/she was and will make sure that she was not the subject of any more of A’s selfish actions. I wouldn’t say that it is a good method because most of the selfish actions happen so quickly that you don’t even have time to protest against it. Thankfully, none of them said that they would go on as if nothing had happened or that they would turn submissive. When I posed the same question to my maid, she said that most Indian women, atleast women of her generation, usually went on in life as if nothing happened or became submissive in order to protect the family. She said that though India is nearing its 60th year of independence, women (especially in the low and middle class) have to digest the selfish acts of her parents, brothers, husband, in-laws, relatives and surprisingly, their children(for whom they would have spent most of their lives working and caring for). This is an appalling condition but how do we find the solution? The only solution that I can think of is to make a person (man or woman) become independent, both financially and emotionally, irrespective of their age. This is possible only when proper education is given to them. By education, I mean the training given to human mind to think and analyze a problem in any given situation. There is no guarantee that this would become possible once a person goes to school and becomes literate. But, this would atleast pave way for the people to read more, know more and, eventually, understand more. This is the long term solution to the problem.
A short term solution to the problem is to reduce the closeness with the person A and try to see to it that we are not affected by A’s selfishness. Also, it is necessary for us to tell A that his/her attitude stinks because of his/her selfishness and that the main reason for the split up in the relations is his/her selfishness. That should make them realize their own folly and atleast be better behaved in their future endeavors. Simply put, move away from them. We, too, would be paying a heavy price. The closer we are, heavier the price. However, realizing the person is selfish and moving away now is better than keeping mum now and suffering more later. What say, friends?
PS: A word about the online history and actual comments contradicting each other. Most of my classmates and friends who read my blog are comment-shy and prefer to give me their comments over phone(sms is the most favored medium) or in person. There were a few who even scrapped me or mailed me. Thanks a lot for your responses. I was able to gauge the way people actually deal with a mental ugliness. Thankfully, most of them were ready to accept it and fight it out rather than actually ignoring and denying it.